the Letter Installment

Letter 2

i thought that after all this time, i would say that i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that i let you go on believing, for so many years, that i had never forgiven you.
i forgave you almost immediately, to be quite honest.
i hated you for a while, i think you know that.
honestly, i couldn't believe what you had done. that it was more than once.
i couldn't believe that you would do that to her, mostly, but to your family. to me.
i loved you, i still love you. i don't understand sometimes, and sometimes it's too much to think about. and the worst part of it is......it's that i could believe what you had done.
because for the first time, for the very first time, i saw you for what you were, and you weren't a monster. you were just human. you fucked up and that was it. you weren't without your mistakes.
and i knew that it wasn't about me, or it shouldn't be, (sometimes I'm not sure though, maybe in ways it is about me, and all of us, i just don't know), but it still hurt like a splinter. i couldn't pick it out, for all this time, and in all of this time i still have the scars where i tried to cut you out. i tried to dig and pull and cut you out. and after the bloody horror that i made of myself, you were still there. you were still fucking there.
but it's fine, it's cool, it's allright.
and i mean that. it's taken till now for me to say that.
and i know that you wanted more out of..........out of me&you, and maybe me. it's just that i felt like i couldn't be what you wanted, couldn't be enough for you.
what am i supposed to be, exaclty? and i've asked myself that question with every man i've come across. and they always have an answer, or something kind of resembling one, only they dont' say it. they don't tell me straight out, but i always know that somehow, i'm not exactly what they want or need or love or lust or even like.
so anyway, i've learned a lot from you, and not just bad things, but a lot of good things. things about being human and making mistakes.
you weren't the only one. you still aren't. you should know that.
it's just that i had this picture of what love should be like, you know? and you and mom, you were kind of it for me. i thought that that was how the story goes, and it's a little silly, i know, but what did i know then? i was too young, and in ways, i'm still too young. but i just thought that things should be a certain way, and then you....................you went and screwed it up. and i wanted to know why. i wanted an apology. i wanted justice. i wanted you to break and see what you had done.
but it wasn't about me, was it?
i know.
it's just that i'm confused still, about a lot of things, and i'm not sure where i'm at exactly, i know i'm not fully with it yet, but i know i'm getting there. and you've even helped with that.
and i just think you should know that i forgave you a long time ago. and i've always loved you. i was your first born after all.
so, that's it. i know this isn't your conventional, cookie-cutter, store-bought card, but
Happy Father's Day.
love you.