the Letter Installment

Letter 1

i thought i'd say some things i haven't tried yet.
i know all these little things about me, and when i don't speak them,
don't let them fly about, they get smaller still.
so i thought i'd let them test their feathers today, and just flutter around,
circling, till they land. don't know where.
i know that i want you to just be.
not to change or to melt into who it is that i am (whatever that may be)
but to just be this person that loves the thing i'm being at the time.
this way, you can be you and i can just be, and i'll know that whatever you think of me
is really about me and not some other something.
does this make sense?
and i want you to want me, like a wish, like a star, like a bold fire.
i want it to hurt, how much you want me, so much that we don't make it in the house before you attack me with your kisses, on the threshold of the house, in the doorway, in the hall, on the floor.
hurt so bad.
i want to be beautiful. not pretty, or picture-good, but more than that.
i want to be what's behind my distraction of skin and eyes and whatever else they want to touch......
i want you to look at me and think that i am beautiful, the heart of me.
is this too much?
i feel like a child, almost.
spilling my desires un-edited and coarse,
unchanged, without fear.
and maybe this is why i never let them fly,
they stumble in the air.
crippled butterflies.
but i thought you should know, and maybe i should know.
these things, i never give them room to speak.
i am a cruel master.