a poem for mother....

Raw Season

Through corridors of days,

they stretch molassas slow

over years,

I have shuffled.

I have been reluctant,

though willing.

terrified,

yet Viking-brave.

I have been silent,

though I have always felt my voice.

Scattered and precise events,

articulations and devotions,

have manifested

beautifully and violently sharp,

so like the contrasts and soft angles

that lurched from the cinema screens of my youth.

I have grown in many ways,

a thirsty vine,

inevitably up and down,

forward and back,

and out from my mothers' papoose.

He tells me

he has given me a gift:

a gratitude

a treasure

a release.

I am tumble-down scarred

and bleeding still.

There is a new discovery here,

a seething from under my skin.

I acknowledge the chrysalis

and still

I mourn the wilting of last years' rose.

I am one woman.

Entirely here.

Altogether alive-

and reaching.

MSA-September 2004

---alla mia madre, la forza della mia luce e speranza.

It's a show..........

so it's been a wild ride through the bitter and gravel-stricken landscapes that we had set out to conquer. we have decided against the surrenders that push themselves onto us like unwelcome advances from the man in the dark unknown, and have instead taken up our swords, standing fortified as tree-trunks. We'll dye our hair red today................

"I know I got some magic buried deep in my heart..."

"So sneak out this glass of bourbon and we'll go........"

"I'm a virgin and I'm not a virgin. I got rid of the ol' hymen, if you know what I mean. I tied a little yellow ribbon 'round the ol' hymen tree. Actually, I lost my virginity to a giant black marking pen. Eek, eek- that's the sound of a marking pen writing on the page. I love that squeak- it's the sound of something getting done. Eek, eek- that's the sound I made when the marking pen went through my hymen."

Tangential Misgivings: Ladies & Gentlemen, all the way from beautiful Paris..........

"Si j'en crois votre silence
vos yeux pleins d'ennui
nul espoir n'est permis
pourtant, je veux jouer ma chance
meme si, meme si
je devais y bruler ma vie"

she sold sea-shells by the sea-shore.....

Tous les Garcons et les Filles de mon age....

the things seep through, no sense for me, nothing to do, but I'll be there for you.....................falling, I am falling, leaves and buds surround the space we have chosen.
choosing between this or that, this and that, all of it, you and I, makes no sense for me, nothing to do, but I'll be there, be there.
I remember lillies, midnight blue on the speedway, and your paper dolls.
makes no sense for me, nothing to do, but I'll be here.

"she's not so special, so look what you've done boy.."

"Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel.."

"and she drinks herself up and out of the kitchen chair, and she dances out of time...."

You, according to me............

You are:

pleasant like summer strawberries, in an orchard somewhere down westward,
sweet like the limes of my pies,
understanding and emotionally there,
vacant when I need space with you,
lonely behind those pretty eyes,
wasting away in front of me, resolving into dew-drops,
almost invisible from where I'm standing.

the river is a memory, is dry now,
car is a wreck, is yesterday,
whiskey is the nectar, is a poison,
bitter rock remedy is really good stuff, is the reason
the reason
you fell away.

Early morning, in your white coat,
in your single cell.
early morning with cigarette smoke and no one else.
run.

"and you know I loved you first, and I would prefer if she didn't empty her syringes in your arms..."

"your heart, it felt good"

"and I would buy them yellow roses...."

Purchasing the future and the Bee-Keeper

Night is come, brought down with the torrents of old cloud cast-aways. The holiday is creeping ever-closer now, tumbling through the week at it's leisurely pace, bumbling this way and that, rumbling forward and on, without hesitance. We could learn a thing or three from the lumberings of days and significant things. We could learn and grow and grow and rise and rise and stand and stand and shout and shout and sing and sing and shine. The shine is the best part, the part that we look forward to. It's bright in this place, and now I'm looking for my delinquent sunglasses; they have been hiding cleverly out of sight............

"and I was riding along-side for a while till you lost me, and I was riding by, riding along, till you lost me, till you lost me in the rear-view. you lost me...."

"cuz this time, this time, this time, is whatever I want it to be."

"gonna find all your trouble, gonna send them away. gonna make you feel happy, gonna be what you say.......it's a clear day out."

"A sorrowing soul, that fears the unknown night, Draws from the shining past what dreams remain. Though in it's darkening blood the sun lies slain, Your memory, like a monstrance, brings me light."

Billows up like laughter and the Cross of Changes....

from last weeks thoughts:

The sun crept out from behind it's gauzy curtain of silt-rains and ashen fog, and startled the sleeps from our eyelids. I discovered that there was a Unicorn once, a long time ago, but it is lost now. I haven't yet decided my next move, or my next dream, but have begun to construct a path from old shards and stones. I'll follow it and drink up mysteries, washed down with candy-sweet mouthfuls of chartreuse. And I'll always enjoy my sugar-hiccups...........
from this moment on.

"I hereby amend everything I have ever said with this sigh...."

"I feel so good, all hookers and gin."

"they threaten to let me through to a heaven starless and fatherless, a dark water."

Wandering star..............

frozen, to myself. got nobody but myself. surely that aint right.
luck in the smallest spaces, like silver slivers under swift, cold currents in the spring of your mountain.
the rain may come today, collect in murky pools at the bottom of my stairwell. the clouds may collect today, come from far away dreams, above my window. the moon will hide herself soon and in that shadow, the bull breaks free and roams listlessly and dangerously. lumbers..........

lumbers.

"I never wanted it to end like this, but flies will lay their eggs."

"I think it's strange you never knew."

"good-night sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest..."

Taming the Elements..........

Samhain is just around the bend.................locals draped in glittered skins slither and slide up and down the boulevard, and candy litters the bar floors where we ingest our poisons. I love the smoky smells and pumpkin smiles on every corner. I love the scattered leaves that dance on the streets and the gray whisps that crowd the sky. I love the warm that comes at the end of the night dances, that colours our sleeps. Billows up, up, up, and up............like the smoke from the cigarette that dangled on the candy-lips of that first boy. Samhain is just around the bend...........


"Doesn't mean much. Doesn't mean anything at all."

"On the light, on the low, I always held the light."

"What the hell am I doing drinking in L.A. at 26?"

What Kingdom is this............

(these entries are a continuation from blogs entered on MySpace.com over the past few months)


Today my situation is much improved. I am free to enjoy the day; free to galavant, knit with reckless abandon, eat pie, and throw danger to the cows..............anything I please. It is quite nice. And I owe it all to the wonderful, life-giving rain. Ah, rain. The representatives from the Clown Coalition will not dare pursue me as long as this weather holds up, as the rain threatens to wash away their clown-grease, and as everyone well knows, this is where they derive their power. So...........the day is mine! Ha, you fools! I think now I 'll have myself a cup of tea and a biscuit, then I'll grab my conversation hat and go see a man about a Unicorn. A lovely day indeed......

"And if you live through this with me I swear that I will die for you."

"All morning, the morning has been blackening.."

"Knowing was an 'illumination'. During the last weeks of craziness and timelessness, I've had these moments of 'knowing' one after the other, yet there is no way of putting this sort of knowledge into words. Yet these moments have been so powerful, like the rapid like the illuminations of a dream that remain with one waking, that what I have learned will be part of how I experience life until I die."