Trembling Amoret

autumn is the source, i think. water, water lily and character fights.
my dreams as oranges, sweet and blood. dark like that. hard to catch the doll, look look, and skilled at arms he is. he is. trembling, paper-pale. where is my muse and ask ask, discover it for yourself. see it there in front of you, below. some things deceive the quaking body, however. but still, there is wisdom in the humours. and suddenly, in spite of everything:

peel the layers, sticky and bare.
he tells me it's allright. he tells me. he tells me it's allright.
and you believe it, don't you?

your body folds so soft.

"let's open it,/be strong,/cut out/ it's lung"

"sometimes you need the place where you belong.."

"Lately I'm saving it all for a rainy day.."

From My Window

I won't wander
further out than 5
steps.

is it very far from our home?
is it closer than I think,
under my skin?

and is it safe? can I lock it up,
like light can stay inside the curtains?

and down the road I'll turn and wish
you eyes
like I have, so you can see the steps I've taken without guessing.

but is it true?
and is it stated that I held out longer than expected?

I won't wander farther out than 5
steps.
and is it safe? can I lock it up, like light
can stay inside the curtains?

Apple

yesterday was one more on the boards,
with a sigh and little sharp
breaths, keep it down

under there somewhere. and i'll wander
through my head, closets full to their
brims
with paper trails and yesterdays,
and i do if you don't, remember which clouds to chase.

but it never was the fuzz and umbilicals that came between us,
was it?

so i'm gazing at the screen, tipsy at the propostion
of credit where credit is due. gazing at the screen,
black and white meets color all the time.


"Roses are planted where thorns grow,/And on the barren heath/ sing the honey bees."

"butterflies don't belong in nets.."

"it was the loudest sound...."

Telephone call for Gemaline Bradburry....

I was half-way out of my head when the phone rang for me. I didn't know who it was 'til I heard her voice come through, all crackly and sweet. She said it was over, that she was gone. I knew it was coming; I'd known for weeks. But hearing that she'd finally left, startled and shook me anyhow. I didn't know what to say just then. I think I was scared. I must have been quiet for a while because she kept saying my name, "Gemma? Gemma? Are you there? Gemma...?"
Everything was so confusing and suddenly...

"I'm so happy to be talking to you. No one ever really calls me. Well, no one ever calls me. Well except you, but I wish mom would call me sometimes, like you do. But I know she's busy, she tells me that all the time, well in my head, because I remember her telling me that, so I can hear it still, but not really because it's not on the phone. So I just wait, and then it's just strange because then you call and I can talk to someone, and I can hear mom in your voice, like she's crawling out of your mouth, but not really, but you know what I mean. I was thinking of this place the other day when I was having my meeting with Dr. Caslo, and she was saying something about green or fields or something, so I started thinking of this place that I could make or build or just live at that would be really nice and calm and there would be flowers and laughter in cupfuls, and I could live there, and you could come too Anne, if you wanted, because I'm really better now, and I just feel so good, sometimes, you know? But sometimes I feel hopeful again, like in spurts, but only sometimes and not often, not often like taking breaths kind of often, but often like just once in a while kind of often. You know. And then I think of all those things that mom said and I think about them, each one like it's its own little person that I have to give special attention and hugs to, and so I think of them this way and it's easier to kind of work them out. Like about how she said I'd never be the same after last summer, and I mean, who is ever the same after anything? Things happen all the time to people, all sorts of things, things like fights and screaming and colors and music from an old record. Those things happen to people, and other stuff, and so yeah, you change a little and it's a little bit funny kind of , but it doesn't have to be bad, you know? You can change and be like.......you can be better. Do you think I'm better, Anne? I mean don't you think that I sound so much better? I mean, I'm good and I'm doing fine, and I'm eating again, Annie, like I used to. Cornbread and butter and apples and candy and potroast and just food, and I'm doing good again. I promise. I promised you that, I told you I would, and I did. I'm doing it. So I just think that soon I can leave here, because I like to go for walks and they don't really let me do much of anything, and there's no place for me to walk to even if I could go for walks, and so sometimes I just cry instead, or drink apple juice, sometimes. ----------

I hate talking on the phone Annie, I hate it. It's not like being close to you or someones voice. Sometimes I think I'm having conversations on the phone, and then there's nobody there really, and I can't really remember what I'm doing half the time, but I think that if I just keep talking enough then it won't matter, because what really matters anyway, right? I mean, as far as telephones go..."

Little Precious

because of you. i don't know where i stand, where i walk. i don't trust, believe in fairytales, that the sky really floats on up above. because you couldn't say no, because you didn't walk away soon enough, because you lied. because you loved not enough. didn't work hard enough. no focus early on. because the words don't spill free, frothing. your arrogance astounds me, sick. because you are afraid, because you have done nothing, i am. because you were naive, blamed everyone else, baby-out-of-touch, you were content with your false kingdoms. your will was weak, steeped in your untouchable melancholy. because you were weak with blame, sins of the father. because you have been weak. you have been weak. because of you.
i am so tired of mirrors.

"look into the abyss and the abyss looks into you."

"i am 32 flavors and then some.."

"but this won't work now the way it once did/ cuz i want to decide between survival and bliss/and though i know who i'm not i still don't know who i am/ but i know i won't keep on playing the victim"

Her from Herself

vomit all the time, like words and paper cuts. i forgot my name, this morning, when i grabbed the knife. kitchen smells like turpentine. don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes. getting desperate. if they knew what i was thinking they would pull my hair out. everybody knows. from the front down like that, spiral. do it again, i'll do it again. under glass candle prison.


"I know the robins bring you many things, but sugar..."

"we were meant to live for so much more"

"....Oh my God, what am I that these late mouths should cry open in a field of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers."

Somewhere, Beat the Devil

Embers meet tree. life like tarantella steps
these moments with you
in stasis. december descending in the east. words with so much fluid
spreading thin. let it be love.
that i may be far from truth
lends this more than i had hoped for. lighted silhouette
from within itself
remembers only touch. never cold after fire. through night and chrysanthemum dreams
from neighborhood and relative
to city and stranger
sun slice a river through my body, and one last breath. pulse. heart of yours
under skin and skin of roses. light. let it be love
that i may be deserving of.

"is it sweet sweet sweet the sting? is it real, your infusion?"

Jelly-Purplish

was funny, like concrete-dives headfirst. bubbles gurgling up like baby-giggles, sick. do you have a story to tell? i was three feet away from the sound, furious/spark/jettison. happens too quick to catch or squint. quiet like a concert hall but i only remember when you hit the ground, jelly-purplish.


"happiness is a warm gun"

"I even tried to reason with a need for action, baby's got a gun.."

"we didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning......no we didn't light it but we tried to fight it."

"not everything in this magical world is quite as it seems"